Tuesday, August 21, 2007

A Modest Proposal

As those who read this site are likely already aware, we at the Shamrock Headband have a pronounced aversion to the coaching methods of one Glenn "Doc" Rivers. Doc is a glad-handing company man who frequently appears uninterested in the intricacies and discipline that it takes to win basketball games and is consequently overmatched by 80-90% of the men he coaches against. These are not baseless accusations, and have been demonstrated in reality again and again; in fact, as I write this I'm pretty sure that Tim is compiling an exhaustive Freakonomics-style treatise on the all-pervasive incompetence of Doc Rivers.

We constantly hear that the players and media love the man, which is perfectly understandable: by all accounts he is an outstanding person, intelligent, engaging and accommodating. He is also a terrible basketball coach who is still inexplicably living off his 1999-2000 Coach of the Year award, questionably earned for taking a horrendous Orlando Magic team to a 41-41 record and not making the playoffs. Doc Rivers having more COY trophies than Jerry Sloan is sort of like Kevin Costner having more Best Director Oscars than Alfred Hitchcock. Now Doc Rivers has been handed what is easily the best team of his coaching career (the only possible exception being the 2000-2001 Magic team before Grant Hill got hurt, but even we won't blame Doc for that), and it's hard to believe that ownership won't be looking for the slightest excuse to kick him to the curb. Doc Rivers simply has no business coaching a team that genuinely aspires to compete for a title; everyone knows this, probably including Doc himself. Did anyone else notice the "oh SHIT" expression that occasionally passed over his face during the Pierce-KG-Ray Allen press conference?

With all of this in mind, I'd like to introduce a motion that we at the Shamrock Headband stop referring to Doc Rivers by his preferred nickname ("Doc") and instead use only his hopelessly geeky and emasculating "Christian" name: Glenn. So going forward, until Doc--I'm sorry, Glenn--is fired after this team's first two-game losing streak, I for one will be writing sentences such as "Does Glenn really think it's a good idea to use KG as an eighth man off the bench?" or "I wonder when Glenn will realize that Ray Allen should be starting at the 2 over Jackie Manuel?" Things like that. Who's with me?

And for those who think this "Doc" moratorium represents nothing but insane summer boredom, you're correct. But there's still over two months until opening night and someone's gotta come up with ways to pass the time. Who's with me??????

1 comment:

tim said...

Glenn it is. It's the least we can do....